At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
