I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
