I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
