You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
