the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
