I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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