brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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