she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
