I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
