If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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