God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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