I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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