we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
