i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
