I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If I die, sorry about rent.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
