He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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