Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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