Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
