I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
