just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
