went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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