the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore