Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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