I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my phone needs a breathalizer
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
