Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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