using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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