My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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