he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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