so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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