Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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