You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
