I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
