That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
