You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
