you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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