You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
