When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
