Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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