why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
