Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
