Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
