so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
