I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
