you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
