Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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