Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
