Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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