i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
pray to the hookup gods
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
