Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize
