Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
