I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
