I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
