you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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