On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
