The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Sorry about my life...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
